Let's say, for the sake of argument, that these things happen:
-Because of my devastating, middle-aged intelligence and the remnants of my youthful beauty, Robert Pattinson decides that he has to have me even though I'm ancient in girl years, poor, and persecuted by the industry which employs him and by a lot of other people who are even more powerful than that.
-I decide that I've waited too long for a boyfriend already and accept.
-FKA twigs is unhappy with that decision, to say the least.
-The conglomerate pounds me into the ground and it takes months of my spending all of my time trying to talk the situation into something resembling reason for every threat in the world not to be made to legalize everything on the conglomerate's agenda. I think that the persecution of me would be a lot more difficult to address, actually; I think that a lot more people are going to worry about the possibility of child molestation being made legal than about what happens to me. The fate of the world is not supposed to rest on the shoulders of one homeless woman. I could be a much worse person than I am and it wouldn't justify anything that the conglomerate has done or wants to do.
-The people who make money from stalking famous people and taking pictures of them decide that there's no reason not to follow us around the clock; after all, I went back on everything that I said and stole someone's boyfriend.
-I hate being famous for being Mr. Pattinson's girlfriend, just the way that I thought I would.
-Somehow, even though I am the notorious other woman, I get into the training program that I studied for during the last few weeks of the summer of 2015. During the school year or after graduating from that program, I start meeting people who are not famous. During all of that time, Mr. Pattinson continues to be the recipient of lustful attention from many millions of nonfamous women and dozens of famous ones. Either that, or his career tanks because he's dating me and I'm at perpetual war with many powerful people who don't care if I live or die and who frequently indicate that they would prefer the latter.
-Even though I'm finally meeting nonfamous people whom I might be able to date if I weren't already dating someone, the revenge inflicted on me has already turned the SICK, SADISTIC, ILLEGAL videos of me into screensavers for millions of people around the world. My persona as nobly-suffering folk hero was over when Mr. Pattinson left his girlfriend for me, so I don't have that to balance the horrendous personal and professional disaster that those videos would be for anyone and for anyone associated with the subject of those videos. I am world-famous for being the older woman who took him from his girlfriend, and for the videos of me, and a year or two or three years older than I (was) when writing this page about the future.
-His industry finally makes him an offer he can't refuse, either in the guise of a beautiful young woman or a project that will pay him the kind of money that he hasn't made since the day he triumphantly conveyed my aged butt to whatever secluded, temporary dwelling has ceiling-to-floor curtains and an alarm system for reporters casing the building. He decides that my guilty, cynical, fame-hating personality would be a lot cuter on a younger woman, not that he likes being around that sort of personality anyway, but enclosed in a prettier woman's body it would at least be less excruciating and he can't take it any more. I decide that he's just a shallow, greedy, self-centered movie star and I was right about everything at the beginning.
-We separate. The conglomerate explodes in an ecstasy of schadenfreude. He is invited to every talk show and for every magazine interview in the English-speaking world, where his conscience impels him to tread a treacherous line between trying not to help the conglomerate destroy the rest of my life and trying not to say things that will ruin his chance to salvage the previous trajectory of his career.
-When I get out of the hospital, where I am mercilessly emotionally abused, I am mercilessly attacked by the conglomerate, which has regretted every slight relenting of abuse that it ever allowed me before I said yes to him, and which means to never slacken the pressure for however long the rest of my life is.
-During the months or years that it takes for all of this to play out, FKA twigs wins every music and dance award and is on the cover of every magazine in the Western Hemisphere. When my relationship with Mr. Pattinson is over, she hosts all of the awards shows, including the ones to which he is invited and given terrible seats.
Sarcasm Alert:
I don't want to ruin FKA twigs's career by making her a multimillionaire, but other than that, all of this sound like a lot of fun! Mr. Pattinson sure has a way with words!
End of Sarcasm Alert
Copyright L. Kochman, August 26, 2015 @ 7:17 p.m.
